How Brené Brown’s work peaked my curiosity and helped me overcome avoidance of grief, shame, rejection of vulnerability and increase resilience.
If asked, many people would not correlate vulnerability and resilience. We’re seeing some shifts, but western culture still insists that “strength” is synonymous with “emotionless” – unless it’s anger. We’re often told that vulnerability is weakness, that because we feel exposed, that it must mean we’re at risk of being hurt. To get through the hard times we should buckle down and work harder. We shouldn’t feel too much. Suck it up, drink water and drive on. Just keep moving. Survival is substituted for resilience. Stoicism is valued over vulnerability. Both my family and military culture taught me that vulnerability was a hindrance at best, a danger at worst. I had no idea that resilience is not possible without vulnerability.
When I read the book by Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection, I’d only planned to read it because some colleagues suggested it, and I’d heard a few clients mention her Ted Talk. I thought it could be useful to be able to talk to clients about it, I ordered a copy (on Amazon) and a few of her other books just in case I liked “Gifts”. I expected a short, hopefully palatable, self-help style book that would not necessarily stand out from the rest of the surface skimming stuff that is floating around out there. In case you didn’t pick up that subtext, I’m not a super-fan of self-help. Ultimately, it took me a month to read it cover to cover because of how deeply her words impacted me.
Spoiler Alert: It hit me in “all the feels”.
I was absolutely not ready for the personal impact of her work. Yes, it was short. Yes, it was palatable. No, it was not surface skimming. It was deep and exposed emotional raw spots that I wasn’t actively aware of. It felt like sunburns being covered in aloe. Reading each chapter stung at first and then felt sticky, then felt okay. Up until that point in life, I’d become accustomed to only describing my emotions as “Happy”, “Pissed off”, or “Fine” which we all know can mean 14 or more different things based upon pitch, tone, and facial expression. I learned that emotions were not acceptable (other than happy) and that I wasn’t supposed to share my feelings.
This concept of being vulnerable and then expressing my feelings was a lot to take in (ironic being a therapist, but hey, we’re human too). Whenever I reached a point in a chapter that touched on one of those sunburns, I caught myself saying aloud, “Shut up Brené Brown!” and setting the book side. Each time my husband would ask what was wrong and I would say, “This damned book” or “That damned Brené Brown is hitting me right in the feels”. Inevitably, I would pick it up again in a few hours or the next day and, still talking out loud, would say, “Okay Brené Brown, what next?”.
Doing the work
After a while, I was unable to escape a chapter without having a hard cry. The more I allowed her words and work to permeate my emotional walls, the more I realized that I could not un-know the parts of me that I’d ignored for so long. That I (and my relationships) could benefit from my learning to be vulnerable (with boundaries). That I had to do something about what I’d learned about myself. Brené Brown’s work reinvigorated by sense of hope of being a whole person. I have learned and continue to learn from it. I’ve experienced such tremendous growth because of the work her research helps me do. I have learned that vulnerability with boundaries is not only possible but preferrable and that it will build resilience in me. That the practice of courage over comfort may cause some temporary butt pain, AND it ultimately brings more peace into my life. I daily goal is to dare greatly.
It helps me help others
I’ve used her work not only in my own work but have also incorporated it into my work with clients. I’ve found that it pairs beautifully with DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction), SE (Somatic Experiencing), and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). In short, what she has to offer is not just another self-help schtick.
Dang, Brené Brown… please NEVER shut up. Never stop learning and sharing your knowledge. You are a wonderful light in our world. I am and will be eternally grateful for the impact you have had on my personal and professional lives.
